for the one i miss everyday
job searching is hell...
here i speak of my day to day life... though it is pretty boring ^^);

there ought to be something seriously wrong with me.

everything's seems so helplessly annoying.

everyone is living a better life than me and i have nothing to show for myself after all these years of living. like, what is the point of all of this to be honest?


i don't think ive ever felt more alone than i did when my sister passed. my best friend was gone and i felt helpless, and numb and in shock but you have to force yourself to keep it together for your parents, for your younger brother


i've never felt more betrayed than when not a single one of my “friends” checked in on how i was doing after telling them the news. something breaks in you and you fully realise that you truly are a nobody to these people you've grown such a strong connection with.

i’m sure none of them know but the day i spoke up about that unwilling isolation was literally the day before the funeral service. A whole month passed by. the worst feelings ever, and they were nowhere to be found.

do i have to tell people how i want to be cared for? even in such extreme circumstances?

after that. you truly understand where you stand. and for it to come about that way is soul-crushing to say the least

it doesn't matter how long i know someone for. i'm just a nobody.


sometimes i vent. everybody does.

i didn't choose to vent in private though, i wanted to have people to understand me. sometimes it’s easier to make a post and go to sleep. wake up and live the lie all over again but with more energy.

i’ll be honest i didn't care how my venting came across others because i was hurting so much. can you blame me? do you expect me to be in 100% control of my faculties after everything?

well one did. maybe more, but only one i'm aware of. an old “friend”.
one day venting went too hard, i guess. i got too into my own feelings.

i don't need i need to dignify this way of thinking.selfish is one thing but it was plain disrespectful. i’ve never felt so disrespected. did they want me to go back to joking around? to baby them who are so much older than me yet less mature? give me a break.

“expecting too much” “50/50” these phrases still anger me.

i don't know how to live or continue living with all this weighing down on me. nothing goes my way and i don't even have a support system to complain about it too. no one is empathetic enough to try and understand where my heart is and it feels like i’m not doing enough.

hollow praise in my best moments and isolation at my worst.

#content warning

may 1st:

I cried. I was sad it was the first if the month. the more time passes the more I miss you, but may hurts more.

may 3rd:

it feels like the more I long the more I'm doing something wrong. it feels as though my life is a lesson to others and it hurts. I try not to make myself pitiable but I can't shake the feeling that others live better by watching me fail.

may 4th:

my mom may have lymphoma. it has a high cure rate but I'm scared. my sister was already taken from me, I can't handle my mother too. and so soon... it all hurts too much. before I dreamed of an independent life and leaving to live on my own, now the thought of leaving is too scary.

may 5th:

I went out with a friend for brunch. this in itself is a very rare occasion... all was going well but then my mom got panicked and…

was going out to lunch a reason to cry for? she always tells me to leave the house but I think that was a lie. I think she just wants me stuck in my room.

I don't think I can ever leave this house. it's so scary and it's so sad too. it was just a humiliating day.

even if I can understand, I feel such an emptiness... like I was a fool to think I could have a smidgen of independence.

may 15th:

My 24th birthday was 2 days ago and it was okay ig. I watched The Menu with mom and it was really nice!

now down to business: It’s My life but i don't think I’ve been as motivated to live it. but now i really think that I can work it out.

I’m going to try and build something for myself… It’s been hard but I need to do this for myself and really put in an honest effort for my future.

it’s not about other people anymore. I have to work to make myself proud and happy. It’s not impossible for me.

I want to try moving forward by making my own path.

may 20th:

Today is my sister's birthday. I tried to make the day as calm for myself as i could. i did everything i was supposed to. i helped my mom out today and checked in on my brother.

my mom’s friend came over and they talked for a long time. i’m happy that she has someone there for her.

no one spoke to me though. i mean i guess it’s normal. i dont know my friends’ siblings birthday so i dont expect them to know mine.

i guess it was just a lonely day.

may 25th:

Today I'm blankly staring at my computer.

i'm so bored, so unbelievably bored. i dont know what i'm doing with my life. i keep getting jealous of people for being in better positions than me it’s just not fair…

I want to be a good friend but it just feels like… I dunno. I can't even be happy hearing about their day or anything. It feels like everytime they share an aspect of their life they're just gloating in my face. I feel so lame.

ugh… i don't know how to get over this emotion… also my mom friend stopped by today. i can't believe i'm even jealous of that. i dont have anyone dropping in on me. I'm just perpetually alone.

Everybody's lives are moving at a pace I just can't keep up with and it feels like I'm all alone through it all.

My brother’s coming back tomorrow and now what. He's way more social than I am so he’ll be buzzing around the city while I'm stuck at home. I'm just so sick of it all, I don't know what to do with myself.

everyday is nothing nothing nothing repeated i just want to catch a lucky break

but it’s never like that. no matter how much i pray i or how many stars i wish on everything stays the same. when i try ro put in an effort everything shift back to the way it was. i don't know what to do anymore…

everybody has something going on and i have nothing.

everybody keeps showing off im im just sitting in the same chair day in day out day in day out.

what do i do…

i’m so bored im so tired…

it’ll never happen for me