for the one i miss everyday
The year has just started and I'm feeling more motivated than usual. I still wake up sad in the morning sometimes, but I'm really going to try my hand at a whole bunch of things this year. tho i know all about the resolution burnout haha
I'm happy at work and my coworkers are nice to me. My Christmas was nice too. I'm gonna try to keep growing /// i really want a boyfriend[ORSOMETHING] this year TTwTT the fact that i’m turning 25 is kinda insane but it'll be fine.
I want to do great things and not feel guilty for hyping them up :)
there ought to be something seriously wrong with me.
everything's seems so helplessly annoying.
everyone is living a better life than me and i have nothing to show for myself after all these years of living. like, what is the point of all of this to be honest?
i don't think ive ever felt more alone than i did when my sister passed. my best friend was gone and i felt helpless, and numb and in shock but you have to force yourself to keep it together for your parents, for your younger brother
i've never felt more betrayed than when not a single one of my “friends” checked in on how i was doing after telling them the news. something breaks in you and you fully realise that you truly are a nobody to these people you've grown such a strong connection with.
i’m sure none of them know but the day i spoke up about that unwilling isolation was literally the day before the funeral service. A whole month passed by. the worst feelings ever, and they were nowhere to be found.
do i have to tell people how i want to be cared for? even in such extreme circumstances?
after that. you truly understand where you stand. and for it to come about that way is soul-crushing to say the least
it doesn't matter how long i know someone for. i'm just a nobody.
sometimes i vent. everybody does.
i didn't choose to vent in private though, i wanted to have people to understand me. sometimes it’s easier to make a post and go to sleep. wake up and live the lie all over again but with more energy.
i’ll be honest i didn't care how my venting came across others because i was hurting so much. can you blame me? do you expect me to be in 100% control of my faculties after everything?
well one did. maybe more, but only one i'm aware of. an old “friend”.
one day venting went too hard, i guess. i got too into my own feelings.
i don't need i need to dignify this way of thinking.selfish is one thing but it was plain disrespectful. i’ve never felt so disrespected. did they want me to go back to joking around? to baby them who are so much older than me yet less mature? give me a break.
“expecting too much” “50/50” these phrases still anger me.
i don't know how to live or continue living with all this weighing down on me. nothing goes my way and i don't even have a support system to complain about it too. no one is empathetic enough to try and understand where my heart is and it feels like i’m not doing enough.
hollow praise in my best moments and isolation at my worst.
I cried. I was sad it was the first if the month. the more time passes the more I miss you, but may hurts more.
it feels like the more I long the more I'm doing something wrong. it feels as though my life is a lesson to others and it hurts. I try not to make myself pitiable but I can't shake the feeling that others live better by watching me fail.
my mom may have lymphoma. it has a high cure rate but I'm scared. my sister was already taken from me, I can't handle my mother too. and so soon... it all hurts too much. before I dreamed of an independent life and leaving to live on my own, now the thought of leaving is too scary.
I went out with a friend for brunch. this in itself is a very rare occasion... all was going well but then my mom got panicked and…
was going out to lunch a reason to cry for? she always tells me to leave the house but I think that was a lie. I think she just wants me stuck in my room.
I don't think I can ever leave this house. it's so scary and it's so sad too. it was just a humiliating day.
even if I can understand, I feel such an emptiness... like I was a fool to think I could have a smidgen of independence.
My 24th birthday was 2 days ago and it was okay ig. I watched The Menu with mom and it was really nice!
now down to business: It’s My life but i don't think I’ve been as motivated to live it. but now i really think that I can work it out.
I’m going to try and build something for myself… It’s been hard but I need to do this for myself and really put in an honest effort for my future.
it’s not about other people anymore. I have to work to make myself proud and happy. It’s not impossible for me.
I want to try moving forward by making my own path.
Today is my sister's birthday. I tried to make the day as calm for myself as i could. i did everything i was supposed to. i helped my mom out today and checked in on my brother.
my mom’s friend came over and they talked for a long time. i’m happy that she has someone there for her.
no one spoke to me though. i mean i guess it’s normal. i dont know my friends’ siblings birthday so i dont expect them to know mine.
i guess it was just a lonely day.
Today I'm blankly staring at my computer.
i'm so bored, so unbelievably bored. i dont know what i'm doing with my life. i keep getting jealous of people for being in better positions than me it’s just not fair…
I want to be a good friend but it just feels like… I dunno. I can't even be happy hearing about their day or anything. It feels like everytime they share an aspect of their life they're just gloating in my face. I feel so lame.
ugh… i don't know how to get over this emotion… also my mom friend stopped by today. i can't believe i'm even jealous of that. i dont have anyone dropping in on me. I'm just perpetually alone.
Everybody's lives are moving at a pace I just can't keep up with and it feels like I'm all alone through it all.
My brother’s coming back tomorrow and now what. He's way more social than I am so he’ll be buzzing around the city while I'm stuck at home. I'm just so sick of it all, I don't know what to do with myself.
everyday is nothing nothing nothing repeated i just want to catch a lucky break
but it’s never like that. no matter how much i pray i or how many stars i wish on everything stays the same. when i try ro put in an effort everything shift back to the way it was. i don't know what to do anymore…
everybody has something going on and i have nothing.
everybody keeps showing off im im just sitting in the same chair day in day out day in day out.
what do i do…
i’m so bored im so tired…
it’ll never happen for me
i'm getting tired of waking up feeling like a disappointment... i really do feel like i should be much further and i feel nothing but regret when i wake up towards my mother and younger bro for not being further in life yet...
i've really been applying to jobs recently and i'd like to get one before my friend comes over in september... i graduated back in 2021 and now i feel like im at a stand still... i dont feel good at all.
my friend wants to go on a trip and i'd love too but im not in a position to. things are just so slow for me i feel like im constantly missing out on things and oppourtunities. i pray for a stroke of luck. i pray that my hard work comes to fruition soon.
one thing struck me today…. just hearing the way other people speak and conduct themselves with confidence it’s a little unnerving. it’s like i wish i could be there for myself like that….
its in everything, even when it comes to wages something that seems good to me comes off as a lowball to someone else. it makes me think, am i disparaging myself unintentionally> or am i so desperate that im unknowingly sabotaging myself?
somehow i feel like im overthinking things once again.
i get jealous easily but at the same time it’s as though i cant act without another approval or weigh in. it’s like, am i really that scared on my own.
perhaps because i've been going along with what others want, it's weighing down on my own ability to choose for myself?
…
i'm missing out on a lot of life by being indecisive. i need to properly think about what I want for myself…i need to do myself this grace, i’m not getting to where i want to be the way i am currently.
i’ll keep at it, and hopefully my efforts will pay off.
i want the basic happinesses of life, i wonder why its so hard to achieve these things for myself.. im by no means incompetent… it’s almost as though everything i try is in vain… it hurts everyday to keep trying, but if i don't it'll hurt even more…
sometimes life isn't what you want it to be.
ive always had a view of my life and how i wanted to go about it. who i wanted to be and how i wanted to live. but now matter how hard ive dreamed or tried to achieve those dreams they never came to fruition.
i wanted to take a year break after graduation in may of 2021 and then get a job. then my parents forcing me to immediately look for a job. the pressure of school gone and replaced with job pressure. which i pointedly tried to ignore.
by the time i was supposed to be done with my break i just felt stressed out .instead of feeling well rested i just felt like a failure who couldn't get a job. but that wasnt it.. the fall of 2021 i’d gotten a job at a convenience store/amazon warehouse (whatever i chose really). it was modest but i found a cheap apartment in the area and told my parents the news. just asking for money to buy a used car to get to and from work.
“i went all the way to america to work some menial job?”
“we cant buy you a car, just find a random person to drive you to and from work”
i just wanted independence but i returned from my trip to the US in december 2021 worse for wear. why work at a grocery store in the US on my own when i could work at a grocery store here?
what was the point
what was the point
what was the point
i applied to jobs from jan 2022 and nobody got back to me. i rewrote and reformatted and remade my resume so many times. hoping someone would get back to me.
the job search dragged on like that and resented every moment. i had a job and everything laid out for me but i was stopped and scared into coming back home. where i sit in my room aimlessly filling out applications. i was depressed, i felt terrible.
but the year was okay. i spent time with family, traveled, got covid, laughed…
i got a job in september 2022 at a bookstore. and i was happy even though it was seasonal.
then october 2022 happened.i worked until january 2023 then my contract ended.
and i kept applying even till today.
i was told to go back to school.
i’m going back to school.
now everyone is happy.
i cant fight. i cant stand on my own without sabotage.
i dont know what i can do and i feel like a puppet.
i dont want to go back to school. it makes me feel sick.
but i have to. i just …
i feel like i'm going to throw up.
i got a job through refferal w my cousin but it actually is the devil and the manager there acts like he never wanted to hire me. it's fucking insane like actually. my brother also made me late for my first day too so that was epic. and my mom's leg cramped when we were eating dinner and she started wailing in pain which just... set off horrible memories. it was a crappy day all around.
it's like... i have to beg people into caring about me. not only my friends but my family too. sure they "care" but idk like, after everything to day wanted my frustrations to be the center but bc of all this it's like its all fallen to the wayside.
it'd be nice to have focus on me for once, without me having to beg for it.
so, life update!! I got hired at the gym and then i got fired from the gym and then I got hired at the bank!! the grind is never ending and continues on and on, but forreal i’d would like to to make more money bc even though i'm getting paid 3$+ minimum wage i would like to have a wage that’d allow me to live independently. +_+
as well! I’ve been getting out more which is nice! Moire is going well and although i fall down the important part is that i get back up again.
sometimes i still get mad and frustrated, a feeling that people are looking down on me for whatever reason of just to make themselves feel better by flaunting stuff i honestly never asked abt, but i digress. >3>
life is going okay atm. i cleaned my room and i’m well into a diet [wish i could lose the weight faster but w/e slow and steady ig]
i’m going to try and keep fighting for myself. life is full of pain, but its also full of people who will not only help you up, but wrap your wounds !!